I’m starting this blog as more of an outlet for myself. I have so many inner struggles that I never know how to express. Olajuwan does wonders to support me, but what I feel, he can’t always understand. I’m on this journey to help me, be a better me. I struggle with this picture of who I thought I would be or where I thought I would be at this age, and it’s not here. I have two amazing little boys that I would give anything in the world for them. But I’m not the mom I wanted to be.
I always saw myself as having amazing communication with my kids, cooking homemade, nutritious meals from scratch, eating right, not a fitness enthusiast, but at least being active, stay at home mom in a well kept house. But, here I am, 40 hour week working mom, clean laundry pile that’s a mile high, dinner still left out on the table from the night before, dishes stacked in the sink, breakouts galore, bags under my eyes, physically and mentally exhausted, deciding it’s a McDonalds kind of dinner night, mom.
Is anything wrong with this? No! But I created such an image in my head of myself, that my ‘now’ makes me down. I don’t want to use the word depressed, it’s used too lightly in this day and age, almost like “I love you.” The fact that I’m not the mom or spouse I thought I would be by this age, makes me so down that it makes me do less. Some people get motivated to do more when they feel as if they are ‘failing’ (again, not that the above described is what’s going on, but what I’ve made myself believe.)
For me, when I feel that I’m failing, I sink into a deep deep failure mode. Why try anymore when I’ve fallen this far below? That’s not a way to live. People portray this perfect image with clean houses, nutritious meals, full faces of makeup, cute hair dos that make me tired just looking at them. It seems as though moms have normal social lives, date nights, time to make a family healthy meals and toddlers who don’t fight to eat their greens. I want to enjoy this with those people without putting the world on my shoulders of “why am I not like that?”
Why can I not leave work, pick up my kids from daycare, go home and cook a full meal of appropriate vegetable proportions without a tear shed from my kids. Why is bed time a fight every night. Why don’t I have energy to tackle the laundry before we go to bed at night, or pack leftovers for us to have the next day, instead of running to the nearest fast food restaurant.
It’s taking a lot for me to accept that THIS…THIS is real life. I still haven’t fully accepted it. I catch myself all the time seeing other mom’s doing amazing things, and instead of celebrating them as I should be, I start shaming myself on why I’m not more like them.
It’s a vicious cycle that I want to be done with.