Something that has weighed heavy on my heart lately… It’s a bitter sweet really…
In less than 6 months, Zion will be starting Kindergarten. In October he will be SIX. I have such a hard time believing that it went so quickly.
While pregnant everyone loved to tell me “It’s going to go fast.” Yeah? Well at the time, the last nine months had been the longest nine months of my life. I disliked waddling, all the groin pressure, the random jabbed to the ribs that made me stop to catch my breath.
But I miss it now. I want it back.
Applying Zion to some Kindergartens in the area has got me reflecting on him as a baby and taking a moment to look back on everything that has come. He’s grown into such an amazing, kind hearted, good little man. While he use to be this roll-y, pudgy, drool happy little guy that I miss so very much, I love who he’s grown to be. Watching him do things these day’s makes my heart swell.
At the same time, it breaks a little looking back on pictures.
One thing I really want to encourage new parents to do, document everything. I didn’t get maternity pictures done with Zion, I don’t even have many pictures I took myself while pregnant with him because I was working. And, by the time I got home I was exhausted from being on my swollen feet for 8+ hours.. What breaks my heart the most is not having any birth pictures. I’m not talking someone having there camera focused in on my vajayjay, though those would be incredible pictures. I mean, the first few hours after birth. The first time Daddy lulled him back to sleep. The first time he opened his eyes a bit. His first look at us. His first breath in the world.
That’s the one I want the most. I would give anything to have a picture of his first cry. Because I don’t remember it. Before the mom shaming begins… my birth did not go as planned at all. I never put a second thought into “what if it doesn’t go this way.” One of the biggest regrets I think I have. I didn’t stop to think that my body could NOT work the way it should.
I don’t talk much about it because it makes me cry every damn time. My pelvis didn’t open. Zion was stuck in the birth canal for over three hours before we had to go into a csection. I was so heavily medicated. I can’t tell you what happened the first few hours after his birth.
Guys… I don’t remember the first time I held my child.
I don’t remember his first cry. I remember being put in all this different positions trying to get him to come out naturally, nurses rubbing ice on my legs and asking me “Do you feel that?” Next the Dr I had been seeing my whole pregnancy was gone and I was in some brighter than bright white room with the overwhelming smell of rubbing alcohol with masked covered faces hoisting me from one table to another and using all my power to move myself only just to fail.
I remember being surrounded by our family and friends with no baby in sight, back in the first room struggling to keep my heavy eyes open. My mom telling me she would come back tomorrow and hopes everyone lets me get some rest and how much she loves me.
The nurse by my side, taking my temperature, securing these tight wraps on my calves that were so itchy, informing me that they had to keep Zion in the nursery for close watch. He had came out not breathing, but did start on his own. They didn’t want to take any chances.
I must have dozed off, coming back around to family passing around this little bundle commenting on how much he looked like my younger brother.
That’s all. That is everything I remember from the day my first son was born.
Pictures. They may seem like and unnecessary expenditure at the time because having a baby can cost an arm and a leg as it is. Choking down the cost of a newborn package will be so so so worth it. But you don’t want to miss anything.
My opinion of what my body was unable to do, is just that. My opinion of MY body. The last thing I would want to do is make another mom feel unhappy with what occurred during her birth. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with Zion’s birth and to be honest, I’m not fully there yet.
It took an amazing mid-wife during my second pregnancy to stop me to tell me, “Using the term ‘Natural Birth’ isn’t correct, you brought a baby into this world. That is what is ‘Natural’ regardless of what way.”